A Sports Suck Carol

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A Sports Suck Carol Empty A Sports Suck Carol

Post by Skul on Wed Dec 25, 2013 2:36 pm

Since you're all here, it's time for a story. Gather ye round the sacrificial fire, children, and I will tell you a tale. A tale of wonder, and joy, and sorrow, and ponies (okay, maybe not ponies). And Sports Suck. Because we came from SportsSuck.org. If you guys wanted to hear some sort of Jinglemas tale about Google, go there instead. We don't do that 'round these parts.

Anyhow, this is... A Sports Suck Carol.

On a dark and exceptionally British Jinglemas Eve (despite the fact he's American), our protagonist/antagonist is sitting hunched at his desk, counting the enormous stack of coins he's made from owning the Sports Suck Child-Coal Foundry. His name is Ebenezeray Scrooge, and any resemblance that bears to Ebenezer Scrooge is completely coincidental. We can only guess as to what our American protagonist/antagonist really looks like, but we can draw for ourselves a reasonable approximation using actual testimony from actual disgruntled Sport Suck users:

A Sports Suck Carol W1v1
(Artist's Rendering)

Alternatively, he looks something like the picture below. Any resemblance to actual Sports Suck administrators is, again, completely coincidental.

A Sports Suck Carol Tura
(His Mother's Rendering)

Joining us is Ebenezeray's lovable employee at the Sports Suck Child-Coal Foundry, Earl.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot

Let's see what they're up to!

A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Hey, Ebenezeray, can you turn up the heat? It's freezing in here.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Heat costs money. Wear a jacket.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: I can't. Tore all the sleeves off of them.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: 'Cause if my sleeves aren't ripped, how will people know that I'm ripped?
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Hm. What about pay? For being a mod? Can I have that, then?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Pay costs money. Wear a jacket.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: I'm sensing a trend here.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Well, what about my Jinglemas bonus?
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Can you ban everyone from Sports Suck, so we don't have to deal with them?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Wait, wait wait. Slow down there, chap. Bonus?
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Yeah. You know... for Jinglemas?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Jinglemas? Bah, humban!
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Wow, was that supposed to be 'humbug'?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: You're fired. Get out.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: But Ebenezeray! It's Jinglemas! Have some heart!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: If I wanted heart, I'd wear a jacket. Now get out.

Later that very Jinglemas Eve, alone in his cold, dark bed, Ebenezeray received a visit from an old friend he'd thought long departed...

Raleigh Marley
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj

A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: Ebenezeray, it is I, Raleigh Marley! Your old business partner!
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: Remember? I died of Code Cancer?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Woah, is that a thing you can get?
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: Well I'm dead, aren't I?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Fair point.
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: In my life I had no appreciation for Jinglemas, like you.
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: Now I wear these chains in death, because they look cool.
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: Even now the cold iron burdens my weary soul.
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: So I'm sure I could code them to be a bit lighter and faster.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Look, I'm kinda trying to sleep here, so...
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: You, Ebenezeray Scrooge, will be visited by three ghosts tonight!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Yeah, okay, whatever. Going to bed now.
A Sports Suck Carol Nmpj: No, really! Watch out! When the clock strikes, they will—
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: I'll amend my ways later.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: It's like three in the morning right now.

And so, when the clock struck, the first of the three ghosts appeared!

Geordie Glenn! The Ghost of Sports Suck Past!
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv

A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Hey, Ebenezeray! How are you—
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: No.
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: But I didn't even—
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: No.
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Look, I'm here to take you on a spiritual journey, whether you want it or not.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: No.
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Oh, come on! Don't you remember the Jinglemases of last year, and the year before that?
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: How you weren't bitter and cold, but lively and full of Jinglemas cheer?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: I am pretty sure I have never been full of Jinglemas cheer.
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Think hard, Ebenezeray! There was a time, once, when you weren't an obvious Scrooge analogue.
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Whatever happened to that?
Random user A: Ebenezeray, fix your broken child-coal foundry!
Random user B: You're not posting my e-mails in the Letters section!
Random user C: You banned me from the guestbook!
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: Oh. Right.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Do you see?
A Sports Suck Carol F8cv: I'll, uh... I'll just be going now. Merry Jinglemas.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Bah, humban.

Even laterer that very same night, the next ghost appeared!

Don! The Ghost of Sports Suck Present!
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2

A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Ray. We need to talk.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Is it going to be another appeal to my long-dead Jinglemas spirit?
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Um. Maybe.
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Just hear me out, okay?
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: There are a lot of cool users out there!
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Even if some of them don't appreciate the work you put into your child-coal foundry...
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: And they represent you as a crusty old man, counting your coins while telling employees to wear jackets...
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: This is going to get awkward in a hurry.
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Some of us do still care!
A Sports Suck Carol S6i5: Yeah, like me!
A Sports Suck Carol S6i5: Ebenezeray bless us, every o—
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Quiet, Tiny Samdaman, nobody cares about you.
A Sports Suck Carol S6i5: But I'll be dead by Jinglemas morn, sir!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Yeah, uh, I'm not really feeling the Jinglemas vibe here, guys. Sorry.
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Why, Tiny Samdaman?
A Sports Suck Carol Kzs2: Why do you ruin everything?

Even laterer that very same night, the third and final ghost appeared!

Skul! The Ghost of Sports Suck Soul-Flaying!
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf

A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Just please stop already. I'm trying to sleep.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Well, uh, okay I'll just pencil you in for—
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Nope. Moral time now.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Ugh, fine. Just be quick so I can get back to bed.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Right. Quick.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: So, the gist of it is that, in the future...
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: You will die.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: See?
A Sports Suck Carol 2ri7
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: O... kay. I'll keep an eye out for that in, what, 110 years, then?
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: No, no, see! If you don't change your ways, you'll be deeeaaad!
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: It's a chance for redemption, y'know?
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: "Get into the Jinglemas spirit... or else!"
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: How is changing my ways going to stop me from dying?
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: I, uh...
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: That's actually a pretty good point.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: And who wrote that silly epitaph if I'll die alone and unloved?
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Look, the idea is that—
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: This is a terribly stupid way of teaching me anything.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Y'know what? Fine.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: Find your own moral.
A Sports Suck Carol Discordf: I don't even know why you had to be taught this stuff by ghosts anyway.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: You and me both, man.

And still even laterer that night — so much laterer, in fact, that it was day — Ebenezeray awoke in a fright!

A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Oh no, oh no!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: What day is it now? Is it too late for me?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: You there, boy! Is it still Jinglemas?
Random boy: In England or America?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: England, you fool! We're in England!
Random boy: Oh. Well then... probably?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Good, good! It's not too late, then!

Huffing and puffing with every step, Ebenezeray ran to the house of his trusty former employee, Earl.

A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Earl! I've had a change of heart!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: I was visited by three ghosts last night.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: And all of them sucked at teaching morals.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: But their visits inspired me!
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: I have literally no idea what you're talking about.
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: They taught me a valuable lesson. One I may never forget.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: Um.... okay.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: And that lesson was...?
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: The userbase sucks. I'm banning everyone for Jinglemas.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: WAIT, REALLY?
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: I'VE DREAMED EVERY DAY OF THIS MOMENT!
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: You have found the true spirit of Jinglemas, Ebenezeray!
A Sports Suck Carol Tura: Sure.
A Sports Suck Carol Chiot: A feast! A feast for all! Let everyone know that Ebenezeray's found the spirit of Jinglemas!

And so it was that Ebenezeray Scrooge discovered the true meaning of Jinglemas. For it's not about how many coins you have, or how many ghosts have to rise from the dead to teach you a contrived lesson — it's about giving. And getting. And banning. Especially banning. Lots and lots of banning. Just... bans out the wazoo, you don't even know. Maybe even deleting the forum, just to be sure.

It's said that Ebenezeray's heart grew three sizes that day, and whether or not that is a dangerous medical condition, people today continue to tell his story, as an example to all good site admins and site adminettes that Jinglemas can be a time of a joy for them as well. Not just for the flesh-reapers, the tentacloids, and the userbase.


The End.

A Sports Suck Carol Hlxr

A Sports Suck Carol S6i5: Ebenezeray ban us, every one!

The events of this tale were entirely fictional. Any resemblance these characters bear to actual Sports Suck staff members is accidental and not supported by canon.

 santa Merry Jinglemas, everyone! Happy New Year! santa


Last edited by Skul on Thu Dec 26, 2013 2:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

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A Sports Suck Carol Empty Re: A Sports Suck Carol

Post by Earl on Thu Dec 26, 2013 10:57 am

Thank you, Skul!  Great job!  What an inspiring story!  It warms the cockles of my heart!  Very Happy

I'm at a loss of words.  What can anyone possibly say after a performance like that?

An instant classic!

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Post by ThinWhiteDuke on Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:26 am

I liked that.

Also, happy one year anniversary for the new site!
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Post by Earl on Fri Dec 27, 2013 9:07 am

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year, ThinWhiteDuke!   Very Happy

Since she is no longer able to read a PC screen display, I read Skul's Jinglemas Carol to Mrs. Earl.  She guffawed.

I was especially touched by Tiny Samdaman in this inspiring tale!  I must admit that tears came to my eyes.   Sad   Wink

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"You beat a woman and drag her down a flight of stairs, pulling her hair out by the roots? You're the fourth guy taken in the NFL draft. You kill people while driving drunk? That guy's welcome. Players caught in hotel rooms with illegal drugs and prostitutes? We know they're welcome. Players accused of rape and pay the woman to go away? You lie to police, trying to cover up a murder? We're comfortable with that.  You love another man? Well, now you've gone too far!" -- Dale Hansen, Dallas sports anchor for ABC local affiliate WFAA
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Post by Mrs. Earl on Sat Dec 28, 2013 8:09 pm

*sniff* What a truly moving story, Mr. Dickenskul! It so completely captures the true meaning of the Jinglemas season. Thank you very much.
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